Temperament

Here are some of the words and phrases in my own personal lexicon: "defer", "wait", "maybe, "later", "I’ll think about it". These words and phrases speak of procrastination. They speak of an unwillingness to grapple with that which needs to be dealt with in the moment. They are suggestive of opportunities being allowed to slip by.

Strategies to Avoid Conflict

I know that it is in my character to avoid conflict. My strategy to deal with conflict is to avoid the conflict. The closer conflict is brought to me, the more distressed I feel. The desire to avoid feeling distressed, and the desire to feel safe in a state of no conflict, has led me to a way of being where I avoid the conflict situations.

This is satisfactory enough. Being a peacemaker, keeping situations calm and generally maintaining a pacific environment is not a bad thing. However, when the approach to avoid conflict means that I avoid all difficult decisions, avoid any situation that I’m not comfortable with or do not know an immediate answer for, or any situation that I do not feel prepared for, means that opportunities are lost and important things are not dealt with in a timely manner.

Getting Comfortable With Being Confronted

It is my job to get comfortable with the experience of being in the face of conflict and challenge. That means recognising the unease and aversion that I have to dealing with issues as they arise. It means relaxing in the situation, whatever the situation - to relax with what is. Rather than avoiding or running away from the issue, my work is to sit in the moment and address it as opposed to trying to ignore it into non-existence.

Some People's Temperament is the Opposite

There are other people whose character is the opposite. The person who wants to resolve an issue and approaches it, has a very different character from mine. That person likes certainty, they like action, and they like results.

For the person who likes to resolve things, uncertainty is the enemy. Not knowing is the enemy. Having a state of affairs that is unresolved is the enemy. They like to get stuck in and resolve an issue. They like to tackle an issue head-on and get it sorted, fixed, packed away.

Getting Comfortable With Uncertainty and Some Loose Ends

Those who like to resolve issues will not always be able to do so. Such people need to get comfortable with not knowing. They need to be able to sit in the experience of uncertainty or an unresolved state of affairs and be okay with that, where an immediate solution is not possible.

How Do Two Opposing Temperaments Work Together?

When someone with a temperament like mine, someone who likes to avoid conflict, is in communication with someone who likes to resolve situations, there is a difference of intent and strategy.

I, as someone who likes to avoid conflict, feel threatened and under attack when someone is pressing me to address a situation or an issue and come to a solution or a decision. That person, on the other hand, feels rejected, disrespected and undermined by the person who is avoiding the issue.

Understanding the Other

It is valuable to reflect upon which disposition you tend towards. It is especially so because the two character types tend to be attracted towards one another and are often in relationships together. If there’s a lack of understanding of the disposition of oneself or the other, then it can lead to poor communication when there are issues at stake and that poor communication becomes its own issue.

Lions and Unicorns

Mark Waller MD in his book “The Dance of the Lion and the Unicorn“, calls those of a disposition such as mine, “unicorns“. He calls those who like to grapple with an issue and resolve it, “lions“.

If a lion does not understand that their approach to an issue feels threatening to a unicorn and if a unicorn does not appreciate that their avoidance of an issue communicates itself as rejection of the lion, then there can be difficulties.

Reflect on your disposition. Reflect on the ways in which that may have played out in communications of various issues in your relationships. Reflect upon the areas where you interact with someone who you perceive to be the opposite from you– in your personal relationships, your families, your friends, your colleagues…

Bring More Understanding

Consider how you may bring more understanding of the other and more understanding of your own tendencies to create better communications and to deal with issues that arise in a clearer way - in a way that acknowledges all the parties to the issue and does not give rise to the worst effects of the playing out of your and the others dispositions. This may mean you have to play against type. It means you may have to give up what feels innate to you in order to create a better outcome in terms of subject matter and, importantly, in terms of relationships

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